Appreciate and Grateful

Thanks to all who came for my dad's funeral.
Because of YOU he's not alone.
You'll be blessed forever.

感谢所有来送爸爸最后一程的亲朋好友。
因为有你们爸爸人生最后的路并不孤单。
祝愿你们，好人一生平安。

A Ride with Bas Smart Selangor

Today I went out together with my mom & nephew. For the first time ever, we took a free ride with the Smart Selangor bus service.

We went out by 12, and waited at the bus stop for half an hour until the bus turned up. Actually it's quite a while since I last took public transport, especially bus. Since, you know... the punctuality is always the pain point to us.

While I almost want to call a Grab, the bus finally showed up.

This is the first time ever my nephew took a bus. Yes, after 10 years since he was born, he was so lucky that he doesn't need to take public transport like what I did when I was young.

The bus took a route via Serdang Jaya, Seri Kembangan main road, heading to South City, and by right we should get down at The Mines bus stop. Yes, because of me, made a silly decision, we missed the stop. Ended up, we have to get down at KTM Serdang bus stop, and walked all over to The Mines. Not bad though, at least to let the little boy experienced how we used to walk while we were taking bus last time.

Walking in The Mines Shopping Mall had nothing special or different from our usual visit, it's just that it brought me so much of memories with my dad as we used to hang out in the malls during weekends or holidays. I'm still not get used to our life missing somebody. Even if when we are dining in a 4-seated table, I couldn't help remembering him when I looked at the empty one.

We took the same bus on our way back. But this time, because of the shift change, the bus took us to KTM Serdang bus stop and then dropped us there for half an hour until the driver of the next shift came by 4pm.

Our journey ended ard 4:30pm while the bus arrived at our destination. It was quite a tiring but excited (I believe?) experience for us especially my nephew.

Next round, we are going to take a ride on the MRT. But this time, I really need to survey on the route to avoid losing myself in the middle of nowhere.

念父

距离父亲离世已经一个星期了。
我亲爱的父亲，最终还是未能逃过死神的召唤，撤手人寰。
整个过程，真正意义上来说，只有短短的十天。
十个日夜，让人措手不及。
胰腺癌。末期。这个暂时是夺走我爸生命的原因。
这和之前那什么所谓的“低血钠症”根本没有一丝关系——也许是症状之一，但不是主要原因。

乐观的想，
他没有痛苦。
妈妈不需要辛苦。
没有昂贵的医药费。
没有长期频繁地进出医院。
没有请不完的事假。

可是，
我还没有时间好好跟他聊一聊。
我还没有亲口告诉他我爱他。
我还没有告诉他我不舍得他。
我还没有带他去国外旅行。
我还没有告诉他我会好好照顾妈妈。
我还没有问他还有什么放不下。
好多，好多……
还没有问出口的问题。
还没有说出口的话。
我以为我们还有时间。
我以为不在他面前说太多负面的话是不想让他担心。
可是我们没想到上天只给了我们10天的时间。

Daddy，我还是很想你。
家里到处都是你的影子。
你用过的杯子，你用过的碗碟，你穿过的衣服，你坐过的沙发，
你每天早上出门拿报纸的时候习惯在摩多上敲掉沙子的声音。
你每天早晚刷牙的时候习惯用牙刷在漱口杯里敲打的声音。
你打喷嚏永远比别人大声的声音。
你笑起来总是爽朗中气十足的声音。
你每天晚上总会在1、2点的时候经过我房间叮嘱我去睡觉的声音。
这一切，都还好像是在昨天。
怎么才一个多星期，你就躺在地底下了呢。
Boy Boy 问的：以后我想见公公我要去哪里找他？
如果以后我想见你我要去哪里找你？
我不敢去我们常去的商场因为我们每个周末都会去逛街。
逛完街我们总是习惯找个地点喝完咖啡吃完茶点才回家。
从IOI City Mall、AEON、甚至是Mid Valley，都有我们一起的身影。
这一切的习惯，我们要怎么改变？
我什么时候还能再见到你？

Daddy，我好想你。

这一天，累

真的很难想像，我这一天是怎么过来的。早上在新村看政府医生，下午匆匆吃个面就载了爸妈一起去KL同善，一直搞到5点才回家。然后，我“爽爽”地又去了一趟IOI City Mall买爸爸吃的五谷粉、血压计，“顺便”给自己买了一个我一直很想买却嫌贵的袋子犒劳自己。

一天下来，身心都很疲累，不过，还算有点成效。爸还是吃得不多，但至少喝一点五谷粉泡水可以补充一点身体所流失的营养，希望对他有用。

Hyponatremia，中文译作（老人）低血钠症。在这个礼拜以前，我根本连听都没听过，不知道是个什么东西。上个星期五爸因为精神不好一直晕眩和脚软差点跌倒而我把他送到沙登医院急诊室，医生只给了一个结论：low blood sodium。

当时我的脑袋一下懵了。Sodium是什么？我中学时好像念过，钠？不是natrium咩？又好像不是……（当时没时间Google）几百年没接触过这个字一时想不起来。当时的大脑转过好几个想法：是盐吗？盐粉不够？还是什么东西不够？

我还没来得及去深入思考这个问题，急诊室医生跟我噼里啪啦地解释了一大堆，我都不知道记住了多少。只知道医生说要短暂住院吊盐水至少两、三个小时。住院？这么严重？当时只有我和我爸，没有其他人在我身边告诉我我应该怎么做。我只好尽量让自己冷静下来把思绪整理一下，知道大概需要准备些什么，然后打电话回家跟家人报告一下情况。医生一时说只需要两小时，一时说因为要等专科医生来看过才知道需不需要住院24小时，我心里真的是千万只羊驼奔腾……大姐你可不可以给我一个肯定的答案？

然后，我整理了一个大概的计划：带爸爸先入院吊水，然后回家冲个凉让妈妈带饭过来，因为有可能要过夜就让妈把替换的衣服、洗漱用品、日常用品带一带再过来。结果这一闹腾，我从8点多回家就搞到差不多10点才带妈妈回到医院，而专科医生早就已经来过又走了。（说好的10点才来呢？急诊室医生姐姐你闹我？）因为家属不在爸只好运用他那缺钠的脑袋尽可能听懂医生讲的话，还好医生是华人，说的话也不太难懂，加上我回去之后那里的医生又转告一次给我听，当然这一次是马来话。医生一走，吊水的速度就变得快了一点，再多10多分钟就直接吊完水给我们回家了。当时医生给他吊的是盐水，之间还给他喝了一杯盐水，然后交待说一个星期之后到新村的政府诊所再验一次血钠。

原本以为这样应该就可以告一段落了，只是他的频尿和控制不住的情况还是没有好转，所以星期一还是依约到同善医院挂泌尿科。那位陈守信医生有点急躁，在跟我爸诊断的时候一边还指导一下身边那位看来是实习医生的华人，然后也“顺便”发个牢骚，告诉全世界他有多忙连饭都没有时间吃。后来跟我爸触诊的时候还有点粗鲁。

今天早上按约定时间去政府诊所检查，过程有点快让我惊讶，可是也让我见识到政府部门让人心寒的“效率”。已经一星期了，验个血报告还要等一星期。还跟我说容易疲累有可能是甲状腺（thyroid）出问题，但如果要检查的话报告还要再等一个月。我心里又开始万马奔腾……你可以再久一点……

下午开始，因为爸连续整个星期没有充足饮食加上晚上频密上厕所而睡眠不足，蹲下之后起来有点困难而且一整天昏昏欲睡精神不振，妈开始焦虑，姐和姐夫也建议去医院再查清楚一点不然周末就很难找到医生。于是，我们又风风火火开着车千里迢迢到同善去，看另外一个内科叶文行医生。这次这个医生就比较和善，还有点风趣。我们差不多3点半才到，我还担心会超出医生的问诊时间，还好之前跟医生通过电话，而且登记处也打电话跟医生确认过他还收诊。可是我们到问诊室门口的时候正好叶医生走出来，然后另一个病人问他的护士医生去哪里的时候，护士居然回答说：“医生去跑步，10分钟后回来。”Excuse me? 医生您还真有雅兴……

叶医生的风趣，还呈现于他回答问题的方式。他说回去喝两瓶100plus，我妈居然问说是不是一次过喝完，医生听了愣了一下……“你以为是啤酒吗？”

这一次，还是一样，血压正常，可能是血钠低的问题，可是叶医生说吊了盐水一个星期血钠应该已经回升了，叫我们星期一回来验血。那就是说我星期一还得请事假。我老板快不需要我工作了。

从医院回来后休息没一小时，按姐的意见去有机店买五谷粉给爸充饥，至少补充一下身体的营养。可是这一去，因为有机店关了门我居然就一路开到IOI City Mall去了。到了那个地方我就不可能会控制得住逛了整条街……买了一个血压计、两罐五谷粉、一顶浴帽（乱入？），还“顺便”经过买台湾包包的档口，买了一个RM55的手提袋子。话说我去年去台北的时候居然没有买回来这里才剁手也是醉了。我知道我已经花了很多钱可是我还是决定任性一次做一些可能会让自己觉得自在、可以补偿自己劳累的事情。

一个星期，总共看了五个医生（包括急诊室和复诊的）。每个医生都有共同的诊断结果，也有不一样的。没有一个医生告诉我造成我爸精神食欲不振动作缓慢的“缺盐症”医学名字是什么。我上谷歌一搜“low blood sodium”才发现这症状其实有一种病名叫 Hyponatremia，中文译作（老人）低血钠症。我拿着这个医学名称去问政府诊所的医生她才确认是这个名称。我爸今年76岁，没有糖尿病、没有心脏病、高血压受到控制（还控制过度），偏偏就来了个我第一次听的“低血钠症”，还有另一个不算太严重也是在受控制的情况当中的“前列腺肿胀症”。庆幸的是，问题其实不严重，这一系列的症状都是跟缺盐有关，等他的病情改善之后再去检查是不是还有其他的问题。

这么多天，除了刚刚下午去见的叶医生有妈妈陪同之外，我都是自己一个人带着个386处理嚣的老人家跑了几家医院。我一个平时家务也整得做的人什么事都依赖父母现在却要自己一个人承担着这么多事情，要做决定、要照顾老人家，要妥善地处理很多事。累，当然是累，但是我庆幸我还能处理得算很好。而且我还要兼顾家里那位容易焦虑的老妈，爸这几天精神状况没有好转她就一直担心不知有什么隐情。为了安抚她我把网上能找到的资料都印给她看了，而且今天也是为了让她放心特地带她一起去看叶医生。还好叶医生的风趣也让她安心了不少。只是担心还是会有，所以我今天即使已经入夜还是去一趟商场买些需要的用品。

哦对了，还有这几天的开销包括医药费和购买用品的费用——除了那两罐五谷粉，暂时还是由我在出。我这人有个特点，就是需要花钱的时候从来就不手软。我没在心疼我的钱包，一来是刷卡还没还，二来这都是必须花出去的钱省不了，再三就是其实也不算太贵，加起来都还差不多1000左右。（如果是Sunway早就几千了好吗。）

接下来，我不知道还有什么在面前等待着我去面对。我衷心祈祷爸爸能尽快好起来。我，也能尽快实现早睡的梦想吧……

Some thought at night

It was quite shocking when our TL announced the news.

For all these while I was wondering who would be the first one who leave the team after 2 years our team has been formed, I didn't expect the answer, although I knew it from long ago that, she has been doubting on what she has been doing is appropriate or not, although she is known to be a high flyer.

OK, I know the above sentence was too lengthy. Anyway, it's true. She has been performing well among the team, no doubt about that. She got all the compliments, rewards, awards, recognition...... Of course there were some different voices, yet it doesn't change the fact that she is one of the "plats" in the team. And the "plats", not even consists of half of us.

Despite I'm always known as "the lost one", I didn't expect that she is also trying to find the right path for herself. I knew what's her ambition, what we are doing now always derived from our purpose and main responsibilities. However, she has been doing so well that I never expect her to be the first to leave.

Anyway, I'm glad for her. She must have found a great opportunity for her to put her true self in. She doesn't need to force herself to do something she may not be feeling comfortable to do. Doing something we like to do is always our goal and ambition. However, who on earth is really achieving that?

The next thing I would be curious about, is the reaction of the operations on her news. How would they react if they heard about this. There is always someone who would be ready to take your order all these while and suddenly the person is leaving. Anyway, as what he has said, "why not I hire somebody who is totally reporting to me instead of other team?"

I wish for her luck and success in future. Hopefully she has found what she really wants to do.

And me, continue to stay in the "lost world" and be my "lost self".