Crazy.......

Accessing GPP at 11pm...... I think I'm crazy.
But since I was 'announced' as the backup SME last year, it has been a great pressure to me.
So many question marks keep popping up from my mind....

What is 'back up'?
Why there are never a 'back up' for others, only for me?
Does it mean I'm incapable?
Does it mean I'm worse than others?
Does it mean their jobs are easier?
Does it mean others are better than I am?
Why didn't they see my efforts?
Why I'm so detailed about my work? What for?
Why my mistakes are always magnified but not my effort?
Why no matter how much works I've put in my job, it seems doesn't mean anything to them?
What do they want? What do they need?
It has been about a year for a so-called 'back up' name on me? What's next?
What am I?

The more I worry, the more mistake I've made.
And it ends up, just to prove to the management, I'm still not capable to be 'upgraded' from the 'backup' yet. The more bad impression of me for them. Then, ultimately I'll become the 'backup' forever? or they'll even remove the 'backup' from me?

It's frustrated to keep a 'backup' for a year. Others just wouldn't understand why.
I think if I can't change the situation, the last step I'll take is giving up.
Give up everything I have.
Give up all my efforts.
Give up what I'm expecting.

But, as what I said, it's the 'last step'.
I won't take the step if there's still hope.
But, am I really that weak?