Thursday, January 25, 2018

A Breakthrough of a Check Point in Life


Today is a memorable day to me, as I have started my journey as a quadragenarian from now onwards.

At first I thought I would be anxious about it because from all the things I heard and read from everywhere told me that my life will come across a big change both mentally and physically. However, I'm calm with it.

Probably because I haven't really experience the "change" or maybe I don't really see it as a big challenge to me.

Though it's memorable, I didn't do anything special besides having a day with my mom and nephew. A normal hotpot & grill dinner.

My only wish for today, is the health and happiness of my loved ones.

Tomorrow will be another day, and it'll always be a better day.

今天,我正式跨越了四个十年的人生。
踏入另一个里程碑的我,没有焦虑,更多的,是平静和淡然。
当然,我心里还是会叨念着:是不是有些事情我应该今天完成的?
事实上,只要我还健康快乐的生活着,那就是一种幸福。
因为还在带孝期,今天的我,没有派对(一向来也都没有),没有生日蛋糕,没有生日歌,倒是收到了一堆的祝福。
能够跟妈妈好好地逛个街、吃个饭,对我来说,已经是很幸福的事。
祝愿我们永远都能如此健康快乐地幸福下去。
这就是我今年生日唯一的愿望。
加油吧!

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

A message from myself a decade ago #futureme



It was a surprise to me when I saw this email came into my inbox today. I didn't realize that 10 years ago I had sent an email to myself. And actually at that moment I doubted the website will still be functioning a decade later. :P

Yes, I'm totally amazed, surprised and when I read through the message, it actually brought me in tears. I saw how much life has changed tremendously and if I had a chance to go back in time, the most I feel heartbroken is losing my dad.

If I would to reply to myself in this email....

Hi You in 2007,

Thank you for writing to me.

You have no major achievement now, just that at the same time, there is not much regrets I have except one big incident.

Yes, you had your first travel in flight in Sep 2, 2012, when you flew to Bangkok with your colleague from QA team. It was an amazing trip, you had your first authentic Thai food, to a historical city Ayutthaya, and explored to a lot of new things.

It's when your dream of "travel around the world" starts as the next years later you had your second trip to Alor Setar & Langkawi also by flight, and another year you had your first footstep to Taiwan. In the year 2016 itself, you visited 2 countries: Hong Kong and Taiwan (again!). These 2 were totally unplanned holiday so it went a bit expensive yet enjoyable and worth the price.

Unfortunately, none of your family were with you in any of these trip. And regrettably, your dad will never have a chance to travel with you again.

After a decade, you are still single now. But you enjoy your life, so there is nothing to worry about it. Oh ya, in Aug 2007, your nephew Kenny was born, and he actually brought laughter and liveliness to your family. And after your keilui Swen & keizai En came into the world, you have been "upgraded" to another level now, you are their "keima" and "yiyi" (aunty). So you don't need to get married and have a child of your own to enjoy a life as a "mother".

Finally you have left your job in your 8th year in IBM and joined Shell since 2013. Your career would never be easy after that. You learned to become more resilient despite all the struggles, impact and frustrations. It's still tough to you now but from your past exprience, I believe that I can find my way to move on.

In Aug 2017, this is what happened when your world collapsed after you have lost your dad. You may not feel how heartbroken is that, but it's part of your body is empty forever and can never be cured and filled up. It impacts your whole family while everybody feel painful about it. But with your hands holding together, you managed to get over it although you will still cry when you miss him so much.

Life is tough and full of obstacles. But I believe I will keep the faith and move on.

不忘初心。

Thanks to what you have started in 2007, it makes me who I am in 2017.

Yours faithfully,

Yourself in 2017


Thursday, January 18, 2018

我和老爸的废话日常一

我:apa lu mau?
爸:apa pun tak mau

我:Baa Baa black sheep any any wooooo 🎵🎵🎵
爸:No sir no sir no bag full 🎵🎵🎵
(我曾经跟我爸争拗到底是 3 bags full 还是 no bag full)

现在还有谁会跟我讲这些废话?

Monday, January 1, 2018

2018 新年:回顾+展望

Image result for new year dad













第一个父亲缺席的新年。
凌晨对着手机播放的YouTube直播倒数。
电视依旧播放着新闻、节目、电影……
没有电视直播,没有快乐倒数。
迎接2018年的,只有手机。

我还没写我的回顾和展望。
看来我好像还没有准备好。
或是,我根本已经变得越来越懒了。

2017年最大的变故,当然就是父亲的骤然离开。
没有心理准备,没有一点预兆。
我们还没来得及陪他制造回忆,就已经要送他离开。
就这样匆匆忙忙的,不到一个月的时间,我们就已经阴阳两隔。
再见,我们就已经隔了一层土地。
我一直在想,如果我们从什么时候开始就已经知道……
但即使知道了又怎么样?
我宁可不要太早知道,因为那会更无助,更难过。
我不知道到底是谁设定了这一切。
TA让我们瞬间失去至亲,但却同时不让我爸痛苦。
我不知道他在离开之前有没有什么痛楚,不管是身体上还是心理上。
只庆幸,他在最后的那一刻,我们都在他身边。
Daddy,我好想你。你现在好吗?

另外一个2017年我做过最疯狂的事,就是看演唱会。
3月18日的EXO 演唱会:EXO'RDIUM。
10月30日的五月天演唱会:人生无限公司。
两个的共同点:
1) 都是在 Stadium Merdeka
2) 都是最贵的票
前者自己去,后者有朋友带着进摇滚区。
感觉不一样,当然五月天的比较high。

2017年也是我赢奖的幸运之年。
几次公司的各种dinner幸运抽奖都有所斩获。
最大的奖就是11月的annual dinner,奖品是 Olympus PEN E-PL7 相机。
外面奖项的话,除了戏票,就是Nescafe奖品、Star Wars的notebook(好过没有)。
最大的奖就是AEON BIG的 RM500 gift card。虽然很快就用完了。

今天5月20日,我们家买了新Persona,卖了旧Wira。
我终于有新车开,而且是真正属于我名下的车。

今天的旅游只有12月的PD,hotel是住了几次,但都不是特别去玩的。

至于明年的展望,我不再给自己太多的 to-do list,我最大的愿望,就是我身边的人都健健康康。
所以,我的2018展望只有三个:
1) 家人朋友自己健康
2) 早睡早起
3) 持续运动

Monday, December 11, 2017

我和妈妈像“贵妇”的几小时


妈妈生日已经过了,我却还没有好好地送她一份礼物。
今天,姐姐一把BoyBoy带走,我就带妈妈出去Setiawalk,给她过了几小时“贵妇”的日子。
首先是去做一小时的脚底按摩。
我在痛得哇哇大叫,妈妈却大叹好舒服。😢
而且她说她昨天小腿很痛,今天做完按摩之后就不痛了,整个人都轻松了。
额……她开心就好。
之后,我带她去Padi House“叹茶”。
但其实当时已经5、6点了。

妈从一开始的拒绝,到后来她自己也觉得也好像还蛮“叹”的。
其实,我只希望能对妈妈好一点。让她开心。
虽然,我到现在还是一个懒惰成性不会照顾自己的不孝女。

从爸离开到现在,我还没有真正走出父亲骤逝的阴影。
一个本来好好在你面前的人,一个前一阵子还生龙活虎地跟你生活聊天的人……
一时之间突然就在你眼前消失了,不见了,你再也找不到了。
那种骤然失去的失落感,很无助,很茫然。
很恐怖。

以致我现在既然看着妈坐在我面前,我都会害怕,会产生莫名的恐惧。
我害怕不知哪个时候坐在我面前的人“嗖”的一下又会不见了。
我害怕到连呼吸我都感觉困难。
我不敢想像,却又无法撇开这种可怕的想法。
我只能尽我的能力对她好。
我希望上天怜悯,让她多陪我几十年,弥补我心里因为爸的离开而掏开的空洞。
因为害怕,所以现在的我,更加无助。

忆父 • 梦

这应该是爸离开之后第一次梦到他。
梦中的场景,是一间餐馆。灯光很暗。爸没坐在饭桌旁而是坐在一边的椅子上。
其他的家人都不在,我一个人走近他。看了他很久。
虽然是在梦里,但我还是很清楚地意识到:我梦见我爸了。
我不敢妄动,也不敢说话。
我知道,只要我一有大动作我可能就会醒来,看不见他,跟他说不了话了。
我伸出手摸他的肩膀,我竟然有触感。
我感觉,我真的触摸到了他。
梦里的爸爸,并没有回来“探亲”的感觉。
我不知道要跟他说什么,过了一阵子才怯怯地问了他一句:”你最近怎样?”
我也不知道我为什么要这么问。
爸静了一下,嘴角像有什么意思似的苦笑了一下。
然后却开始说他最近谈成了一单生意,30多千,可是很辛苦,要跑上跑下,最近生意难做……

在我还没有听完他说话的时候,我醒了。
我睁开了眼睛,梦里的爸爸不见了。
我试着重新睡下去,却一时半刻也睡不着。

之后过了不知多久,我朦朦胧胧之中又睡了回去。
只是,梦境并没有延续,我梦见的是另外一个场景。

爸,再也没有回到我的梦中了。

Sunday, November 12, 2017

心悸


自从爸爸离开之后,我就开始会有点担心我妈。担心她像爸一样,毫无预兆地就离开我们。
所以,爸爸的身后事一处理完,我就马上带妈妈去做全身健康检查,确保没事了才放心 。
但是,有时跟她两个人出去分开了,我找不到她会很担心。
或是开车载她去一个地方我在车里等她,如果她很久都没有出现我就会开始紧张,然后就会下车找她,直到看到了她,我还是会有点怕。
她只要说身体哪里不舒服,我也会很怕,会给她滴眼药水,给她涂药膏,听她说好点了我才会放心。
我一直一直都是这样。
不知道是不是一种后遗症。
快三个月了,八月的最后两个星期一直是我梦魇的存在。
我每次想起都会不自禁地颤抖。
一个好好的人,就在你面前这么消失不见了。

前两天在重看《唐山大地震》。
剧中演妈妈的,在地震中失去了丈夫和双胞胎女儿。
她其中一句对白,是……
“没了,才知道啥叫没了。”

的确。
如果你不曾失去过,
怎么知道“失去”是什么感觉。
真的再也找不到的时候是多么地无助。

我其实是真的打从内心产生的恐惧。
我不知道妈还能活多久。
我只希望能在她有生之年对她好一点,带她去她想去的地方,做她想做的事。
我也不知道,如果有一天妈不在,我要怎么过日子,我还能活多久。
这一切一切都让我感觉不寒而栗。
那种对自己最亲的人看不到,摸不到,感觉不到的恐惧。

没了,才知道什么叫没了。

A Breakthrough of a Check Point in Life

Today is a memorable day to me, as I have started my journey as a quadragenarian from now onwards. At first I thought I would be anxiou...