Bad Mood

The bad feeling and emotion have been bothering me since the day I got the result and it has never really recovered.

I keep on thinking what have I done wrong or didn't do that make me the worst of all. And why the gap is so big until I found myself in a valley while others are on the mountain top. Am I really that bad? If not, why I was being treated in that way? Is there something I could have done differently to at least not being mistreated?

People keeps on telling me to be "Resilience", But what does it mean by that? If the outcome is due to an unexpected crisis happened which is out of control like economic downturn, policy change, etc. at least it's not because of performance issue, I feel down, upset but still no doubt on myself. But this time, it seems what I've got is just because of my performance issue, and in fact what I've done was not much less or worse than those highflyers, then why it's happening to me? How do I be resilience if things are being unfair to me? How do I change the mind of somebody who can decide my fate and manipulate my result? Honestly I have no answer about it.

I used to thought that I've been through so many challenges and down times, I could handle everything and face any challenge, but still, like what Chinese saying: there's no worst, but worse (something like that, 没有最糟，只有更糟). When you thought you've come across the worst, there are always worse thing or people ahead of you. I'm not sure I've got into the worst, what I know is that it's really really hard for me to pull me up again.

I always tell myself I'm not bad, I can perform, I've proved myself before. But still, there are more and more impacts to me that brought me down. It's like when you are walking forward, there are always got hard things hitting you, sometimes are rocks, sometimes strong wind, sometimes is the sand storms.... I don't know if I've made my words rational or clear enough to describe my feeling now. If I would to choose a word to describe what I feel at the moment, it will be "sucks".

If you asked me whether I'll still move on. Of course I have to. I have no choice. But how to get myself up and fight again, I really don't know. I always believe in "law of attraction", if I keep on thinking to get those silly things and people out of my life, will it comes true one day?